To The Son That I failed

I never thought I would be hurt like this.
Never thought this loss would give me pain this much.
I have now realized how precious you are.
I am writing this in this rainy evening in hopes that it would ease the pain.
So I could look back and remember how much I love you, and how much you have loved me.

For days I have noticed you wanted attention and I/we neglected you.
We did not know the sickness would make you weak. You became weak.
Until it lead to this miserable day.
Earlier today I was giving you more attention, hoping it would give you stength.
You would look at me almost every time I visit you. 
We were just looking at each other and when I came back you were gone.
The memory of your eyes, in pain and sad, and deep breaths in this day will forever pain me.
You would sometimes look away from me, after your deep breaths. 
As if to tell me this is the day.
It would break my heart every time I see you weak, I wanted to do something to help you.
But I did nothing, I could not do anything.

Your brother was in tears when we were burying you. Planted a mulberry tree as a 
memoire.

I am sorry for the neglect. Know that deep inside I cared and loved you.
I know you felt it. You were there when I am sad and gloomy. 
I would usually go to you when I am in discomfort.

I am sorry for not giving you everything you needed. For not giving you 
the love you deserved. For not showering you with it. If I could turn back the time, 
I would give everything to you my child. 
You have been forgotten in our bounty.
I am sorry I failed you.

Maybe this is destiny's way of teaching me even more how 
to value time with loved ones. How to see and 
appreciate more. To value those who are there.

I am writing this at my room in our old house, where me and you 
were just a thin wall apart. Looking at your photo in the display.
I feel like nothing could every replace your place.

Thank you for the years. For the happiness you showed everytime you see me.
For the protection you have given us all your life. You have showed your strength 
until the very last. I will miss your protection, your love.
Know that papa, your brothers, mama, love you and will miss you. 
Protect us always our Bada. Sorry I failed you. 

Until we meet again.